Chasing After Seconds

You chase after it, and then you run away from it. It's dictated by objects far beyond our planet, but it dictates everything on it.You wish it away and then you wish for more in the day. It has a frightening amount of control over our lives, making us obsessed and worried. It's a number on a screen, a number on the wall, a number called when yours starts and it's a number that is called when yours is up.

Time is an inconceivable notion that I have a hard time wrapping my head around. It's a measuring system that spans fields and studies, used in a different way in every activity and job. Who or what dictates it? Sure, you could give a scientific answer or a theological answer based on your beliefs. But actually, though. Everyone tracks their minutes and hours...but no one greater than us is really keeping track. Time has become it's own cognitive schema - a script - in our mind. We have expectations of what is supposed to happen when - so everything doesn't all happen at once. Through experience, we have come to accept time as the ruler of our day and the ruler of our actions. We just accept it.

Something I have learned about time is that everyone has formed their own perception of it. Of course, we all know the basics - things are planned for certain times, and you have to abide by those times, or, well, you're not participating in anything I guess. You'll miss classes and exams, be fired from jobs, miss your flights and, well maybe not even wake up in the morning to start your day. But the perception of the importance of time -- the value of each minute of sunlight -- varies from person to person. The extent to which a person values their time in turn affects their day to day life -- how hung up they get on scheduling, if they are occasionally tardy, and if time is something that is eating away at their mind, reminding them every second that yet another second has just ticked by. 

And this is where I get to my point about me. Time -- this word haunts me, scares me and nips me in the ass. It's like I can't get enough done, I can't work fast enough. I can't wake up early enough. And I hate it. I have to plan everything, down to the half hour. The clock is my worst enemy. If I sleep until 9, I freak out -- I am told 9 is still early, but in my head, it is only 3 hours until noon -- 3 hours until the day is half way done. But on a positive note, I get a hell of a lot done, and it is so satisfying at the end of the day. Unfortunately, I am always disappointed in myself that I could have gotten more done. If only I didn't sit down and chill for an hour. If only I didn't give myself an hour to breathe. You're not allowed to breathe. You don't have time to breathe.

I am a very stressed person to begin with and with the added weight of these floating numbers, I am just overwhelmed. It can't be good for me, but no matter how hard I try to take a moment to breathe, it's halted with the intrusive thought of another thing I need to get done. A perfect example is the fact that summer is more than halfway over. Where did the time go? Between my summer classes and my job in the biology lab, I felt like I would still have time for so many things to enjoy in the city. I guess those expectations have been put to the side for a little bit as my priorities take a hold. The thing is -- I HAVE done so much, an incredible lot to be frank. But expectations kill your buzz. If your expectations are not met, what else is there to feel other than disappointment, loss or regret? Expectations set you up for the worst. Counterfactual thoughts love me, and with my high stress and racing thoughts, the rebound effect is often in place (Oh, thanks summer psych courses for teaching me about all the errors in my social cognition). 

But I'm starting to feel that me being more aware of my crazy time expectations for myself actually are helping me keep them in check. When I do something I enjoy, I don't regret it. I just make up for it by studying a little more one day. It's helpful that a lot of the things I enjoy doing are productive, so I don't feel bad about it anyways. Like yoga 3 times a week, running in the morning, writing and reading. It's the summer, and honestly, come September, my stresses will far outweigh any stress I feel now. For now, I think it's better for me to let go of these inconceivable numbers and ignore the ticking of the second hand  for a few moments; breathing in peace is a wonderful thing. Next time I start feeling guilty for sitting down and reading a magazine, I'll leave the clock in the other room and let it keep on ticking for a few moments and instead of worrying about getting wasted time back, I'll value it as me-time instead.

The numbers of time will always be floating around my head, bumping into it every now and again reminding me of the hour. But I think it's okay to gently blow them away so I can enjoy a little space without time on my mind (even if it is still ticking) until those numbers come back and nudge me once again.

The Sweet Sounds of Summer

 

The sound of Toronto is unique – it composes a daily song that sings through the streets as the street-cars rumble in the tracks and the cyclists ring their metal bells at the impatient drivers blowing their horns meaninglessly at each other as if it will really get them anywhere. This is the typical sound of the city – the one that people hear throughout the day if they aren’t really after a grander song. But the beauty of Toronto is that it has a variety of sounds hidden in the bars and concert halls throughout the city. Underground grungy bars, rooftop patios, the bar next door or grass lawn of the city park–

This weekend was some weekend for music in the city. On the schedule – North-by-Northeast and the Great Heart Festival in Trinity Bellwoods Park. My lovely friend, Aviva, who was a volunteer with NXNE got me a wristband which was even better. First stop: Fast Romantics at Sneaky Dee’s. An extremely attractive band had the ability to get a mingling crowd into a dancing crowd with their upbeat basement pop with edgy keyboard and heavy drums. Next was the show I had been waiting for – and turns out so was all of nxne. Mikal Cronin was playing his third night at the Silver Dollar. We managed to get let in even though it was full because of my “prestigious” friends and their Priority passes. Mikal Cronin was just perfect – A mad mosh pit, shoes in the face and glasses of water poured over us...this show was a beautiful, hot mess. The icing on the delicious cake that is Mikal Cronin was the cover of Whole Wide World by The Proclaimers – a jam to be remembered. My shoes may be garbage and I may have looked like a hot sweaty mess for the rest of the night, but it was worth it a thousand times over. To top off the night – on to the Horseshoe Tavern on Queen for The Archives. It was a great set, and a great conversation with some of the band members. Four a.m. ticks on by pretty fast when you’re having fun, so after some breakfast, it was nice to tuck into bed as the sun was rising.

            Plans for Sunday included going to The Great Heart Festival in Trinity Bellwoods Park, but outdoor concerts are stifled fast when thunderstorms threaten. But clearly Mother Nature had a great heart, and the show went on as the sun soaked up the wet ground on the hill, so soggy bums wouldn’t be too much of an issue. The sweet sounds of summer were definitely offered on the hill of this gorgeous park with the green grass and barking dogs. Accordions, funky reggae and folk sounds for the drunk folks was all that was needed to put a smile on the faces of the denim-clad, fringe-sporting festival goers.

                                                                                 

So, this weekend proved for me that there are more songs of Toronto than meet-the-ear – and I think that’s the beauty of the city, especially in the summer. Music has a way of bringing people together, because those out to hear the music are all their for the same reasons, and these reasons involve simple enjoyment. The beauty of going to listen to music is that it comes with a 2-for-1 deal of meeting new people, and these people are usually pretty rad. So a lesson to all in the city – don’t just sit around, listening to the surface sounds of the city, get out there and discover some even fuller, more lively and more diverse songs. If you don’t believe me, close your eyes and listen closely, you’re bound to hear it.

You’re More Than you Think.

Here I sit, surrounded by boxes piled high; everything that has helped me survive this year stuffed into 3’x2’ plastic bins. Books, clothing, pens, paper, photographs, and the like...they’ve brought me happiness, adventure, knowledge, curiosity, stress and tears. But these ‘things’ seem insignificant as I ponder my year and what I’ve learned, because the fact that they lay out of reach, piled under rubbish and junk, makes no difference at all. My experiences surpass any purchases and any 1050 page textbook I own that sit in those boxes.

It’s hard to put into words the amount that I have learned this year, through the countless new experiences I have faced. I don’t think it’s something that can be explained in a few words – I don’t think it’s something anyone but me can truly grasp, no matter how hard I can explain. The hardest experiences are those that taught me the most. The times in the year where I felt I was climbing a 90 degree mountain with no place for my hands to grasp – when I felt I wasn’t moving any farther up that slope no matter how hard I pushed, but if I gave up, the fall would be even harder. Those trying times forced me to cope any way I could, and convincing myself I would get through it was the hardest part. But, there was a phrase that I used with quite a few things - You’re more than * insert noun here *.

1)    You’re more than that grade on that test.

      You go to every class, do every suggested homework problem (twice), make colour-coded notes and study day and night surviving on a coffee and a bagel. You get your mark back – What the fuck?! How is it even possible to put so much effort and time into something, whether it be an essay or an exam, and come out with nothing to prove it. Nothing that convinces you it was all worth it. You’re disappointed and mad at yourself for not coming through in the end. Doubting your own knowledge and the study methods used, you become very hard on yourself. But... you’re more than that grade on that test. Don’t let that grade dictate your emotions and your happiness from that point onwards. Instead, let your drive and determination dictate the next grade you will get on a test. Let this be an opportunity to take a look at what you can improve on. A grade is a number – it does not equate to your passion for that course or the knowledge you truly gained throughout the study process or the research process of an essay. If your passion and drive outweigh the power of a 2-digit number, you can get past it.

2)    You’re worth more than a monopoly piece – don’t settle to be used as one.

Some people have their own game in mind – playing it according to their rules, and stringing you along for the ride. If lying and cheating has earned someone control over your emotions, something is seriously wrong. You’re not a game piece – you deserve more respect, truth and kindness than a piece of plastic. And let’s be honest, your standards are way higher than someone who would even think to treat anyone like that. You’re worth a whole lot more, and with time, you'll come to realize it.

3)    You’re more than your school work...at 3:00am (believe it or not)

You need your sleep...sleep is a wonderful thing. It can make the difference between enjoying what you are doing and dreading getting out of bed and sitting in class. In my personal opinion, I have to believe that you’re more productive with some good shut-eye and a little dreaming here and there. Where would we be without dreams?

4)    You’re capable of more than you give yourself credit for.

      University is not easy, but let’s be honest, we all knew that when we signed up for it. But when you put your mind to something, you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish. Whether it’s an assignment, making friends or getting involved. We’re all told that by our parents, but I don’t think it’s ever something we accept, even though we know it’s true. We become our own worst enemy, our hardest judges and strongest critics – I know this from first-hand experience. When you drive a car, you’re told to look where you want to go, because you steer the car where you are looking. Think of it as driving your success. If you believe in your skills, you can only strive for more. One thing I try to do, sometimes without success, is to look at the glass half full – the juice is much sweeter that way.

I could go on, but those are just a few that have run through my mind during this crazy year. I could really go on for ages about my experiences, but I feel that everyone has experienced their own triumphs and tragedies that seem like the be-all-end-all in their own mind. For now, I can unpack these boxes with odds and ends that I’ve built up over the year in my new apartment with some of my best friends. I have a very busy summer ahead, which is okay for me – I get uncomfortable when I have nothing to do. So here’s to making the most of my first summer in the city, creating experiences, meeting new people and enjoying the mini break from school. Who would have known that Toronto was so much more than just U of T – not U of T students, that’s for sure.  

Books and books and books. Chemistry library (AD Allen), University of Toronto

Whirlwind

Last week, I was packing my belongings, saying bye to folks at home and getting ready to dive into what they all said, will be the best time of my life. 

I guess it wasn't just last week...it was 9 weeks ago actually. Time has gone as fast as a bolt of lightening. One minute I was meeting new people, and the next minute, I feel like they're my family. My short while here, which has felt like a millennium, has been an utter whirlwind. It's hard to process everything that has happened; the good, the bad and the eye-opening.

School, education; the reason I'm at U of T. The first couple weeks I was here, I was really disappointed to hear from more than one person, about their own disappointment with choosing U of T. U of T is known to some as the Harvard of Canada, and I, for one, did not come here expecting an easy ride. One 3rd year said, "Not going to lie to you guys, but choosing U of T is the biggest regret in my whole life." Multiple people said they could have gotten a better GPA if they went to other Universities, and some just flat out said we probably should have chosen another school. It is challenging, there is no question about that. I felt like I was behind already in my first week of school, and I have yet to catch up. It's all about time-management and prioritizing...things I am still trying to learn and master. My stress levels have definitely been peaking over the last few weeks, with midterms upon me, but it is all a learning process. A major difference between high school and University is the fact that everyone is feeling this stress; some more than others, but for the most part, the weight of exams is always on your shoulders. No matter who you talk to at the University, everyone knows the importance of studying, and it is on the top of everyone's minds. In high school, you might have been considered a nerd if you were studying. At University, it's silly if you're not. Yet everyone finds the time to have a little (or a lot) of fun Thursday through Sunday. Like I said, it's all about time management.

Within the first week of classes, I decided to run for First Year Off-Campus Representative on the University College Literary and Athletics Society (UC Lit). The UC Lit is Canada's oldest democratically elected student government, established in 1854. The walls of the Junior Common Room, where the office is housed (along with amazing red couches and the best little coffee shop, Diablos) are adorned with the names of all the past members of the Lit. A week long campaign hanging clever posters and knocking on the doors of Rez ended with a call at midnight that I got in! I'm pretty stoked about this opportunity, as we run, organize and host many of the events at UC, including the annual Fire Ball. It will be quite the time commitment, but something I hope to be able to look back on and, as I see my name on the wall of the JCR, along with some pretty important people, be proud of.

The one thing that I am most amazed by is the incredible group of people I have met. In such a short period, I have become so close with so many people. They've become my family, I guess. We are all so different, yet have so much in common. They're people from all over the world who have come to this one amazing place to study in countless different programs. No matter how different our interests or paths are, as of right now, we have everything in common. And together, we are taking this whirlwind by storm. Whether its stressing about exams, helping each other with homework, consoling, arguing, chilling, partying or sitting in silence, we just get each other. Because we all know how hard University is going to be, but being in it together takes a little bit of the weight of of everyone's shoulders.

I've already experienced countless new things; some were tough, some were amazing, but all taught me something. As my first semester reaches it's mid-point, I think about how much of a whirlwind University has been so far, and I just smile. Unfortunately, it's times like right now, after just writing my calculus midterm, that my smile fades a little. With a few successful midterms under my belt, ending with an exam that didn't go so hot has me feeling pretty down. But, after drowning sorrows in sugary, unhealthy, delightful ice cream with friends, the only way from here is up. Hey, isn't it an unwritten rule that you have to bomb a University test at least once? If it isn't, let's make it one. Then I won't feel so bad.

All I know is, no matter how stressed I am, how late I stay up and how many hours a day I study, I am having the time of my life. And this whirlwind called University continues... continues to keep me excited, eager, surprised and tired. But like a lightening bolt, it will be gone in a flash...and so will tonight. The hours in a night seem to dwindle away in University making sleep a luxury...a luxury that I will be happy to take advantage of tonight as the first half of this semester wraps up.
....only after a week of class? Hmm, where does the time go...